Dying to me Don't Sound Like all That Much Fun........

A brief bit of backstory is required here…. Sunday June, 22, I went horseback riding for the first time since ‘87 courtesy of my brother Ben Gonzalez Valenzuela, my brother in arms and new member of the family. It was amazing and beautiful and exhausting all at the same time. The perfect end to three weeks in San Carlos, Mexico. The 23rd, I spent packing all my stuff so that my travels on the 24th would be flawless and I could just focus on making my connecting flight and life would be easy-peasy. All went according to plan and Murphy was left wailing and gnashing his teeth in the kryptonite cage where i put him. Home safely in my bed, I tried vainly to sleep off jet lag, eat something that mattered, and get ready for my airborne adventure the next day. Somewhere along the line, Murphy’s cage came unsecured and in my fatigued state, I didn’t notice.

I should have seen this signs while riding to the airport where i swear i saw two different clouds that looked unmistakably like hands with middle fingers extended as we drove past them. I found them amusing and pressed on. I should have started adding two and two when my flight out of Indy was delayed by 30 minutes……… and then landed in Philly (Philly…. always fucking Philly) and was forced to sit motionless on the taxiway for another ten minutes. For you doing the math at home I only had an hour layover and 40 mins of them were now gone. I had 20 minutes to get from the gate of my arrival to the gate of my departure…… 7/10 of a mile….. through all of the passengers who even though told that there were people who were going to need a clear aisle out of the plane in order to make their flights, decided to all get up and stand in the aisle anyway, because ME FIRST. American Airlines estimates it’s a 20 minute walk between those gates. I did it in 17 with a full laptop bag and my personal bag (Semper Fi, bitches) only to get to the gate in time to watch my plane detach from the jetway and leave me pounding on the glass like Dustin Hoffman at the end of the Graduate. Now I’m pissed and I can hear Murphy starting to merely snicker.

Sweating and swearing in equal measure, I make my way to the American Airlines customer service desk where i am number godonlyknowswhat in a line of people who have missed their flights due to “weather” or other issues. In that line i hear every story known to man about how this Airline treats people and is currently lying to some customers about why their flight was arbitrarily yanked out from under them. I resolve to remain calm. I message Ben, as well as my brother Steven, and my ex-gf Krys to let them know the situation and that I am less than happy in this moment. Krys keeps me breathing steadily, Ben offers support and calmness in the rising storm, and Steven is looking up other options for me vis a vis flights that i might be able to get on. Meanwhile i am watching two out of three AA customer reps getting aggressive with customers and praying I get the only one who seems capable of keeping cool under fire. One thing goes right….. I get her. 30 years of retail experience tell me immediately that i know what she’s going through, and i let her know that my issue is in no way her fault, but that i need her help. I show her my ticket without complaint and use a little observational humor to just try to lower the temperature a little further. So far, so good. She gets me booked on a flight that leaves in three hours and will take me to Birmingham via Copenhagen instead of via Dublin. One drawback, I will have a 5 hour layover in Copenhagen, but she’s upgraded my seat to first class from Cope to Birmingham at no charge. All because her husband is a death metal fan and she liked my GWAR t-shirt (I shit you not). I walk away actually satisfied and feeling like I missed stepping on something foul and malicious there……Murphy has JOKES lest we forget.

All is uneventful until my flight to Copenhagen boards. At this point I’m tired but relatively ok. I’m about to hand my boarding pass to the attendant when i feel a pair of hands shove me rudely aside. I say “excuse me?” and this little guy who couldn’t have been more than 65 looks at me and says “that’s my daughter and I’m going with her. so yeah excuse YOU”. Usually that would be the end of it with me, but I’m in philly through no fault of my own and tonight i want to dance just a little. So i say just loud enough for him to hear “why don’t you kiss my ass” and then i hear the Texas in his voice as he tells me he’d be more than happy to let me kiss his. I laugh and tell him to pick a spot because from where i stand he’s ALL ass. Then he sees something in my eyes he can’t quite place but knows he doesn’t like and walks up the jetway. I apologize to the attendant and she smiles knowingly and i get on the plane. I breathe, note the time and take the lexapro i brought along just to keep on my schedule. The good news is that the flight was uneventful, I had my entire row to myself, and Mr. Texas avoided my aisle like the plague whenever he had to use the bathroom. We land, Copenhagen airport is confusing and a lot of people with information don’t always give the correct information but i find where my gate is going to be and settle in to wait.

5 hours or so later, i walk through the SAS gate to get on a bus and am driven out over God and creation to where the tiny plane is that will take us to Birmingham. Halle-fucking-luya………. (Murphy, however is singing The Carmina Burana)….. it’s an hour and a half flight, best airline food EVER and I just look at the world passing below me. I’m tired……. like just humped a 50 pound ruck with full deuce gear up Mt. Fuji level tired. I get off the plane and do what I do best…. one foot in front of the other until i get wherever i am supposed to be. I can still speak relatively coherently and my sense of humor is more or less intact. I think I win…… wrong again boy-o.

I stand at the baggage carousel waiting with all of the familiar faces from my little SAS flight. Nope… nope…. nope….. nope……… nope….. nope…… again…… lather….. rinse…….repeat…… nope…… nope…….. yougottabefuckingkiddingme…….. nope……negative…… negatory……..nein…….. .non……….nosoupforyou…….. oh there’s the beeping for last bag…. aaaaaaaaannnnnnnndddd NO. I go to the baggage emergency kiosk…… and they tell me my bag is sitting in Copenhagen…… I want a nailgun to make my headache go away……. i fill out the form telling them where i am staying and they tell me they will deliver it to my hotel thus saving me a trip and any undue hardship. This is when i hear Murphy laughing maniacally for what seems like my entire walk to the cab.

I get to the hotel and check in…….. it actually goes smoothly. I eat some fish and chips and then set up my laptop. I really want to de stress and see what I’ve been missing and maybe play a game or two before i turn in. The hotel’s wifi is supposed to open a window on my computer so i can get access…… window doesnt open…… i can’t access anything because the safety features say that every site is unsecure. EVEN GOOGLE. So i call my friend Rob….and we work on this for an hour, combing over every possibility and nothing helps….finally i thank him and tell him i am going to figure it out in the morning. I have horrible nightmares that leave me half awake and unable to completely emerge from them so i don’t really sleep….. i finally get up and go downstairs to eat something hoping it will make me feel better. It doesn’t……so i go upstairs to take my morning meds….. nothing crazy, just my blood pressure and cholesterol and adderal-l-l-l-l-l what the fuck…….. none of it is here….. it’s in the bag in Copenhagen…… hmmm no panic…… i’m ok….a few bad dreams….. if that’s all this is it will be fine…… i nap a bit…….. then i nap a bit more……. there is a soccer game going on in the yard outside my window……. no more napping…….. i watch TV…… everything seems normal…….. until it doesn’t.

I try to go to sleep….. can’t…. no lexapro and no ambien are going to make that a fleeting glimpse of what could and should have been. By midnight i am sweating out every drop of water i have ever drunk in my life……i drink more and that water just joins the deluge streaming out my pores and down my skin………….. i am shivering and soaking my pillow……. i flip it over………. now i’m hot so i throw off the covers and immediately freeze…..i mess with the thermostat…….. that doesnt help…… whatever temp my body wants to be at is somewhere between ice and inferno and no ac or heater is going to fix that. I completely deplete my fridge of every bottle of water in there. I start to calm down…… I havent had enough sleep to be able to think clearly so I don’t know what this is yet….i just know it sucks and Murphy is in full fiesta mode in the fire closet right behind my headboard making whatever is in there rumble almost incessantly. I go down to talk to the guy at the front desk….. melting like an ice cream cone in front of a blowtorch……. he offers me another room one floor below mine. I say thank you and smile my hopefully least psychotic smile, fully well knowing that all i want from that other room is the water from the fridge and then to go back to my stuff………I feel like i am stranded on Arrakis without a stilsuit…….

Sometime around 6am sunday morning, my laptop decides it will connect to the internet and in a moment of clarity i look up Lexapro withdrawal…….. to my horror, I don’t have a few symptoms, I have all of them…….. the airline knows my meds are in that bag, SURELY this would make them have an idea as to when it will arrive. “We’re sorry Mr. Overman, we will notify you when we know something”………. So now i have a fever, chills, small shakes, when i cough, my head feels like it is literally going to explode (and at this point i will welcome that) and being as i can’t climb the walls of my room, i climb the ones inside my skull. My ADHD is running rampant and I am in the Baskin Robbins of life choices and I choose them all and choose none of them at the same time. lather…… rinse…… repeat……. No, Dad’s cure all remedy of a hot shower does not help and i almost trip over the high edge of the tub and spill my brains all over the floor……… almost…….. I need to eat but i don’t want to….nothing sounds good even the snacks from my carryon bag seem vomitworthy…….. oh.. and the only clothes i have are the same ones i left in on thursday……. it’s now sunday……..I’ve had 5 hours of nap sleep over 5 days……. my head feels like it’s only a matter of time before it explodes…….. and i get dressed…… same stuff different day…… and go down to the lobby….. it’s 3pm…. Mairita and Stephan at the front desk look over as they hear my scratchy voice ask for an advil……. I am told they arent allowed to give any to guests…. ok…… She offers to call me an ambulance…… do i want one?… One what?……. oh an ambulance…. I think that would be a good idea…. I’m just going to sit over here. I’m going to get on whatsapp and see if Krys will come over here and kill me if i pay her airfare and give her my ticket to the Ozzy show…… that will go over well…….. I’ll message Ben and tell him I’m losing my mind. He’ll know what to do because even if I do, right now I don’t…….and i will message Steven and he lives here so he has to know how to get stuff if i need stuff……. and hopefully they are all awake and won’t be pissed.

All three were awake, coherent, and able to get me on the right track. Steven and Ben were my anchors on each side of me and kept me sane and semi functional. Krys looked up tons of stuff and gave me the focus i needed to call the VA and get them involved. Between the hotel staff, the VA, Steven, Krys, and Ben (in no order of importance), within an hour there were three police officers and two paramedics taking care of me and getting me to the hospital. I spent 7 hours in the hospital with them running tests of all kinds and just being around people who were nice and kind, including other patients, helped me to somewhat level out. I found my sense of humor somewhere amidst the cardboard bowl that looked to me like a hat and my impression of Michigan J Frog…… i got some stares, but more laughs and did my bit to make the day a little better for all of us. Right before I left, one of the gentlemen who was sitting in our little group of seats poked his head in and said he hoped I had a good night and that things worked out. I thanked him and complimented him on his choice of hat. It was the hat I had used as a prop earlier in the waiting room. You just never know what is going to stick with some people, but it still makes me smile when i think of it.

In the end, they gave me 10mg of diazepam, sent me back to the hotel to get some sleep. The night attendant Rad, offered to make me a pepperoni, chorizo and onion pizza, which i happily accepted…. by the time he got it to my door, I was asleep….. he snuck it in and left it, along with two bottles of water. I woke up shortly after that because it smelled like heaven and immediately ate 3/4 of it and downed one of the waters. l slept off and on for the next two days and was in pretty good shape for the arrival of my friend Wendy with whom the next adventure was to begin very shortly. That, as they say is a story for another time. I’m lucky to be alive…

I am assured by those around me that I wouldn’t have done anything stupid. Given my propensity for doing stupid things, I take nothing for granted. I have learned my lessons well and am never to repeat them. I could very easily have been one of the 22 veteran suicides that happens every day if not for the grace and courage of everyone who pitched in to get me through it; friend and stranger alike. Thomas Jefferson said “All men are created equal” and he may have been right. One thing I know is that not all friendships are created equal, and I’m glad I know who of my friends will answer the call and who will just think I’m over my allotment of “one conversation a year” and let me go to voicemail.